A Look Further Behind the Curtain

It's not all tedium, lately- my life isn't all sitting around and being bored- but sometimes it seems more safe to stick to the facts. Today, I ate my breakfast late because the person doing my orientation has no objection to cold scrambled eggs, so long as she is not the one eating them.

That's much easier than saying that this past week has been very tough emotionally- and it's safer to tell strangers about eggs than it is to say that an hour or two ago, a well meaning older woman who works at this facility came up to me, and, patting me on the arm, assured me that everything happens for a reason.
And at that moment, some little rubber band in the recesses of my brain snapped and, in my head, I quietly started to yell. I didn't yell at the woman- instead, my words poured out over a very supportive internet friend of mine who I will keep anonymous.

one of the nurses came in and told me everything happens for a reason

and i'm like '....? okay i'm waiting'

out with it, you know?

what's the reason for me now being physically UNABLE to go out now that i had started to overcome that pesky mental block

what's the reason i now can't get my permit for another six months

or- get a job

or become more independent in, you know, any way?

or meet a guy, for f*ck's sake, a guy who actually seemed to like me

who's now, understandably, probably a little put off, but a six month waiting period before you've even met once can kind of do that to a person

or jump at that second chance to do something i really loved before my health got in the way the first damn time and i had to drop it

the chance that literally just made itself known

what's the reason, ma''am?

was i not at the doctor enough? was i not a loser enough? could i possibly have stepped up my game? did i slack off?

what's the f*cking reason i'm almost twenty seven years old and my goal this week is to learn how to f*cking get underwear on again?!

My friend stayed completely still and quiet until my tirade had ceased, and then gave me their usual steadfast support.

Around the same time, I'd posted a 'jokey' kind of lame 'someone come hang out with me' status update on the failbooks, and had a well meaning friend tell me that they were there for me, but that 'buzz kill' posts like that didn't make anyone laugh.

I immediately deleted the status- I was mortified at being misunderstood, apologizing to this person for being a buzz kill- and then I realized what I was doing.

In a moment this evening, while I sat here bored and unable to move, enjoying the brief partial respite the latest dose of painkiller gave me from the near constant 7 out of 10 on the scale pain, I'd posted that if anyone wanted to wind down after their fun Halloween plans, they should come and visit me. I'd then made some jokey comment about how I was kidding- it was late anyway and it's not like I had anything to give them. And finished with a 'So come and bring stuff!' It hadn't been a noone pays attention to me post- it had been me going 'Boo, I have no fun stuff to do tonight, and I'd love some company but understand it's way too late to ask, sadness but it's okay!' in crappy joke form.

It may not have been funny or clever, but damnit, there wasn't anything horribly wrong with it. It wasn't emotional blackmail. It wasn't 'vaguebooking', it wasn't me screaming into a camera with eyeliner smearing down my sobbing face.
It was a baseline of expressiveness.
......And I was embarrassed about that. Because one person said it was a buzz kill.

I almost didn't share this at all. Because it's a mess- it hasn't been edited, and it's even less eloquent than I usually am- which is really saying something.
But then I remembered that this blog is supposed to be about a health struggle. One of the many things it's not is pretty- but emotional struggle so very rarely is.

This experience that I'm personally writing to you about, whoever you happen to be, where I tell you about my life with chronic illnesses and this brand new kick in the teeth- well, emotional crap is a big part of what makes the whole thing suck.

I'm not going to pretend it doesn't exist. And sometimes, like today, I'm even going to air it out.

Buzz kills be damned.

Happy Halloween, reader.