I've struggled with sleeplessness for as long as I can remember for one reason or another. Sometimes- too often- it was a genuine, avid dislike of the actual act of sleeping (but that's a story for another day). That meant I even hated lying down.
But somewhere along the line, between 10th grade and now, something has changed.
I still hate sleep, don't get me wrong- but now, sometimes, lying in bed is the best part of my day.
In fact, for awhile after my surgery, I'd go to bed, telling my roommates I was going to take a nap in the middle of the afternoon - and then I'd lie down and just....Think. Sometimes I'd stare at nothing, or close my eyes and doze...
I still do that, although not in the middle of the day anymore. And as I lie there, I do this soft reset... like a brain version of installing updates and restarting. I finish unfinished thoughts, sort others, categorize things and contemplate whatever happens to be swirling around what ever major stressor is out there.
What's funny is, I hardly ever think of That thing during those times. Just the other stuff- the stuff I've been neglecting, stuff that's been unable to get any light with that giant ball of Important blocking the way.
This never happens anywhere else. I can't summon this frame of mind in a quiet moment at work or curled in my armchair at home, or anything like that. It has to be in bed.
I even write, sometimes.
That never lasts long, though- it's very rare that I get this far.
People say you should, if you have persistent trouble sleeping, never do anything in your bed except sleep- never read, talk on the phone, text, play games, et al.
I think it's safe to say I've been pretty awful at following that guideline.
But at least this time I finished a post.